So......Christmas break, I'm jumping with joy! ....Not.  I'm so ready to be back in Boone already, my hometown doesn't exactly offer me much anymore.  Except of course my family and friends are here - both are dysfunctional lol.

Within 2 days of me being home I went to a party that Jessica threw......which was amazing let me tell you.  Okay, so that was a total bullshit lie.  Honestly I can't exactly tell anyone how fucked up the night was because it was pretty horrible.  About the only thing I CAN say is the I got to meet the real Jessica, the drunk belligerent Jessica.  Not that she's never been drunk when I've seen here before.....because she has, but this was like ridiculous. 

First things first, I walk in......and she's all over this girl Miranda.  So not only did I feel betrayed by that, oh no!  Miranda is a huge huge huge whore, and god knows what the girl has so that was disgusting in itself (and she's straight?).  But then I get to meet the CRAZY violent Jessica who throws a remote square at the wall - which the batteries pop out and fly past my face almost smacking me in the face. No apology or anything.


When I walk in the door, I wasn't even so much as acknowledged.  When I had clearly received numerous phone calls from her, asking if I was coming and what not.  

What this story all comes down to is I'm doneeeeeeeeeeeee.  Thank god I never touched her.  I had never felt more betrayed or disrespected in my life.  Not only that but I was totally played for a fool.  


I've pretty much come to the conclusion that all girls are fucking insane, honestly.  I've also learned that you really have to get to KNOW someone before you even THINK about dating.  Thank god this happened......because that would have been really bad, especially if I had gotten in way too deep.  She completely broke down the barriers of "whore".  RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES.  I mean for real........If she wanted to work it damn she should have not invited both of us to the same fucking party haha.  Not smart. 


My view of her has totally turned from......amazing woman, to divorced slut with 2 kids.  Get your shit together for real......TWO KIDS.  She does not need to be getting drunk, and being a whore makes it all worse.....I genuinely liked this girl.  I just feel like this constantly happens to me.  I'm just not getting my hopes up anymore.  Fuck, that experience just makes me want to be even more single. 



Anyway.......so I just had to say that- good night.

So tomorrow I get to go help the misses baby-sit 8 year olds.  Notice the "s" at the end of old.  In other words I'm talking anywhere from 2 to 9 screaming children.  Oh, I am so jumping with joy.



I better get sex after this shit lol.

I can't sleep, which is probably because I took an adderall to study for an exam earlier (which more than likely will not even help).  I'm beginning to think that I should just stay up UNTIL I am supposed to GET up for class tomorrow.  I'm sure college students do this all the time......but I have to admit, I need sleep.  If I get no sleep - I'm not really functional.  I mean sleep is kind of an important part of life.  ; )



Chance's date came and passed and I have to say it was probably as hard as the first time I heard the news.  I can't say that it gets easier ever...because I sure as hell feel the same as the day he passed.  Sometimes I just wonder........I don't know.  Like what if I had answered the phone the day before.....What if I had answered, and we were hanging out at the time of the accident.  None of it would have happened......I know it's pointless to think these things, but people wonder sometimes.  I'm sure I'm not the only person who has these same thoughts and feelings.  I miss Chance more and more as time passes, and I know it doesn't really get any easier - but I also know that I can't change what happend.  If I could go back in time.....I would have answered that phone call.  I can't do anything now. 


That's kind of how I feel about life in general most of the time.  I feel helpless, hopeless.....I don't know.  So many bad things have happened in my life that it's hard to pin-point the good anymore.  I don't want to try to relate people, because I can't.  I get frustrated with people because they just don't understand, and there is honestly no point in being frustrated because they honestly CAN'T understand.  No one can really understand your position unless there were in your shoes. 


A lot of people don't really know what's going on with me here- and to be honest I don't really know what's going on with me either.  I've changed a lot this year, and I'm not exactly sure if it's good or bad.......I mean it's like I'm the same person, but not? lol.  I mean I guess this is what happens when you're on your own.  You're supposed to be independant and all "grown-up" - but I don't want to be either of these things.  I don't even think I'm ready for that.  Don't get me wrong, I love it here - I LOVE living here.  But I'm not exactly being that productive.  I'm basically failing all my classes - I have absolutley no sense of direction.  I'm a huge mess, I'm not even going to lie.  


I'm rarely sober, and if I am sober - it's not a happy day.  Things that mattered so much to me - no longer matter to me anymore.  I'm not saying I'm addicted to any substances lol, I could quit.  The fact of the matter is......I don't care to quit.  Who is telling me what to do now?  No one.  I answer to no one.  I am my own person.  I don't think I like being my own person.  I mean I've depended on people way too much my whole life, and even though I've usually been let down - I feel like that was better than being completley alone. 


I don't really think it's a maturity issue, because I have matured a whole lot.  I think I've just been through so much shit that I just completley stopped caring about what happens to me.....I guess?  Or maybe thats not the way to put it....It's as if I am at this point in my life where I have no where to go.  I feel completley lost.  I don't know what I want to do with my life.  I feel like I really have no purpose in being here.....so why am I here?  Why was I placed on this earth?  I don't feel as if I can impact the world, I don't feel like I am exactly good at anything.  And if I am good at SOMETHING, it's not anything that will benefit anyone - and it's also not really an occupational option lol.  I do try in school - I honestly do.  But when you're trying your fucking hardest and failing.....it's just not worth it anymore.  I don't exactly care anymore....I don't feel like my life is going anywhere.  What is the point in doing your absolute best, when your absolute best is the worst?  There is no point.



Sometimes I contemplate on just joining the Army.....because it kind of feels like an only option at this point.  I don't particularly WANT to join......especially considering I'm not exactly accepted there either.  I just feel stuck.  I've felt stuck ever since I graduated high school. 


In other news......hopefully some happier news haha.  I did end up telling Jessica how I felt about the whole "trying to control me before we're even dating" thing.  I didn't exactly get a positive or negative responce.....which I suppose is better than a completley negative response? lol.  Who knows......I'm not really concerned.  I'm not concerned about relationships anymore, whatever happens will happen.  Two years ago I would have been chasing the fuck out of girls lol.  Now I'm not doing anything exactly......haha I guess I've lost my mojo!  Nah...thats not the case, it's not that I have lost interest - because I can NEVER LOSE interest in girls =).  It's that I'm learning the keys to having a better relationship.  I'm not saying a PERFECT relationship (because there is no such thing).  I've learned that you can't rush anything....things don't necessarily have to be "planned" out, but there is no need to rush when you have a whole lifetime ahead of you.  In my lifetime I have met a lot of amazing people, and a lot of not-so-amazing people lol.  I have dated a lot of people.......and I have learned from it.  I have taken bits and pieces of information from my past relationships lol.  It's kind of like sound waves or something.....I don't fucking know lol.  



And you also honestly need to get to KNOW the person, months or even years in advance before you date.  Many of my relationships have ended because the person ended up being someone completley different.  I mean.....I guess I like Jessica a lot already.  We've known eachother for a few months now, but I want things to be different.  If we do date, I don't want to fuck this up at all.



In other news.......I was studying in the library today and I got this text from Amber.  This isn't completley out of the ordinary, but at the same time it's not often that she just randomly texts me.  If she DOES text me, it's usually to talk to me about relationship complications with Lauren.  I guess it was a semi-relationship problem?  I don't know.  Anyway,  it started with the normal "hey, how are you doing" type deal.  And she said something about Lauren storming off or whatever.....I don't exactly know (who cares I've always not exactly cared for Lauren haha). But I guess Lauren stormed off because Amber was crying and wouldn't tell her why.  So of course I text Amber and I'm like "well why were you crying?"  .....I mean thats a logical question lol.  And she told me she was crying because she had heard a song that reminded me of when we broke up......I don't know.  Awkward lol.  It's been around 2 years now, why is she crying over that?  I kind of felt bad...really.  I feel bad that I have that effect on someone after 2 years.  =(.



I really need to go.  So much typed.  I have a lot more on my mind but it would take all night.




<3 

judging by the fact that this story is so overly in depth, and the fact that you were an english major in college....this is so obviously made up it's not even funny.  and if it isn't made up, you're a disgusting individual. this story makes me want to vomit so bad that i had to have a trash can next to me while reading it.  either way, if it's made up you're fucking crazy - and if it's not you're even crazier.  


and it's obvious who this goes too. 

So I haven't exactly been updating lately, mainly because I haven't exactly felt the need to.  But sometimes boredom kicks in  - and thoughts.  You basically just feel the need to talk to and online diary that doesn't listen to you at all lol.

Life has been fast paced, highs and low's (mainly high's!).....I'm beginning to lose touch of what I had at home, that doesn't exactly matter to me much now.  It sounds real sad.....but I totally love it here compared to home.  Don't get me wrong I do miss my friends, but I'd rather them come see me than for me to go home lol.

The relationship field has changed a little, but I'm still single.  This is the first time in a long time that I have been single for a while.  It's different....I'll say that much haha.  I guess sometimes everyone wants someone though.  It's not that I'm lonely, because I wouldn't use that term at all.  I do like being single....being able to hang out with whoever, whenever.  You're not tied down and you don't have to worry or feel guilty about anything.

I've been talking to this girl for a while now, but I'm definitely not rushing anything.  Plus I'm not exactly sure if we would work out anyway.  We're not even dating yet and she always expects so much of me.  I've come to realize in the past that I'm not going to change for anyone.....this is who I am and people should accept it.  Plus by the time I change for a girl she's usually out of the door anyway.....it's just not worth it.

I know that sounds somewhat selfish......but it's true.  I don't do well with people pointing out my flaws and telling me what I should and shouldn't do.  I'm not saying that a girl can't change me for the better, but I'm at this point in my life that I want to do what makes Alicia happy.  When I was in a relationship with anyone I was always RARELY happy.  I'm not exactly willing to give up my freedom right now.

And I'm not saying that I don't adore this girl, because I do.  But if she wants anything to happen she needs to accept everything about me.  I'm not dealing with the immature shit from my past relationships anymore. 

Anyway I should probably go to bed.  I have class early tomorrow.



<3

i hung out with my ex all day today and it was awkward the end.  but i hate her girlfriend.  now that i think about it i don't really like her either.  pathetic. lol

26 year old girl



+




me





+




2 kids.



=



oh fucking god god god god.  .....,.

god.

So I have become increasingly more confused because I have met way too many fucking people up here....so I'm going to backstep and basically write a "script" for who I have met and their main characteristics (and purpose in my life I suppose).


Kat -  Freshman, basically my best friend here besides Kate and Katrina, plays WOW, is fucking amazzzzzing lol, she's a lot of fun, i feel like i can trust her, we sometimes have deep conversations about life

Amanda-  Crazy, intense, lots of fun, incredibly outgoing, President in SAGA, has a girlfriend named Brooklyn, Tana's ex.

Sean- My gay boyfriend, he's really chill, also insane, is usually high, in Zoology with my brother, is single

Tana- Kelly's girlfriend, Amanda's ex, seems incredibly nice but I don't know a lot about her, works at Joe's Italian Kitchen

Kelly- We talked like the first week of school, didn't do anything with eachother.  Tana's girlfriend, very sensitive, fun- but plays girls, seems unfaithful, doesn't really know what she wants, is incredibly smart

Mallory- Lives with Kelly, Tana, and Ali - is always on adderall (perscribed to her lol), Kristen's girlfriend, seems nice - but also fake in a way, is in my biology class and my biology lab

Kristen- Mallory's girlfriend, is sometimes a complete bitch to me, can sometimes be nice (but rarely) lol

Sarah- Kelly's ex, really laid back, has a girlfriend named Ashley, decided that every Tuesday is make fun of Alicia day =(, has a lot of drama surrounding her - but to me she seems like a pretty awesome person, trustworthy

Jerrod- Gay mannn, single, lots of fun, seems pretty down to earth

Ashley G- We made out a couple of times - but I ended that as quick as it started, hasn't talked to me in a long time, still fun to hang out with, usually DD's for me, has been to my apartment, technilogically (sp?) savvy, 22 years old, lives with Charity

Charity- Dating Anna, I don't know a lot about her except that she rarely wears clothes when I go over to Ashleys LOL

Anna- Plays rugby, lives down some road called Rainbow,  seems like a fairly nice person, is always making out with Carity =p

Jess- REALLY gorgeous, spontaneous, reminds me of my ex Kristen, likes older women



There are a lot more people but I will have to add them later =).




<3 alicia

so life has been pretty intense lately.  i've met so many new people in two weeks that my head may possibly explode lol.  school is school......i'm struggling just as bad as in community college.  this is a bad situation, but i have a lot of moral support so that's nice.  i have a lot of people pushing me around to do my best haha.

i miss my friends at home a lot, it's a completley new life up here.....i love it, but at the same time i miss my old life.  i miss my old friends =(.  i'm starting to realize who my real friends are here as well.  there's like three times as much drama up here than there is in my hometown (which is really hard to believe).  i've already been thrown into half of it.  this is pretty pathetic because none of these people know me at all.  i don't know it's pretty crazy.

anyway i just wanted to make a quick post just about the randomness of my life at this point.


<3 alicia

everything was my fault........=(.

Why hello there it's been a little while.....!


This blog is going to be on two different subjects because I have those two subjects on my mind.....okay it may be more than two subjects but lets just see.


So last night was intense, scary, funny, and lame all in one....is that at all possible?  I like to go chill with my friends at this dock in the neighborhood over from me - and I meet my friend Erik there all the time, because it's a great place just to go to escape the world and everything that is going on....(that was a long sentence)  About 3 months ago a lot of sketchy people started coming down there - which i never really pay any attention to them.  So they like to play a lot of beer pong and smoke a lot of mary jane.....I guess I have associated with them from time to time - but they aren't the type of people I would call my "friends".  Anyway, to make a long story as short as possible - I have warned them numerous times that what they are doing there is dumb, and the cops will come down there eventually.....

And they did, and unfortunatley Erik and I were down there at the same time they were.  We were basically deemed "guilty by association" - which I thought was a load of bullshit.  We didn't do anything, and I found it to be ridiculous that we were being thrown into the chaos.  We were definitley at the wrong place at the wrong time. 

Both Erik and I were searched - as well as our vehicles (can they even do that?) and of course they found absolutley nothing.  So after they found absolutley nothing, I think this is when they realized we weren't even involved what-so-ever - duh.  All in all - two people were arrested, I found this to be pretty funny considering i've warned them a thousand times - but I felt bad for them at the same time.....because it's not like i've never drank or smoked in my life-time.

The cop layed off after about an hour and a half - and let us all go, but we can never go to the dock again.......this really really sucks because I've made so many awesome memories there....it only took a few kids to ruin everything.

But honestly.....how dumb can you be?  If you're going to drink and smoke then do it INSIDE - not outside so the world can see.  And take blame for your own goddamn mistakes.....don't let others take the fall.  That's so irresponsible.

I did get a funny story out of this though - at one point one of the officers asked me if Erik was my boyfriend and I was just like "I'm a lesbian" =).   Haha He didn't really know how to react, it was priceless.  I also had a bible in my car when he checked it - so that was amusing.

The officer also talked to me briefly about ASU after seeing my tag for my apt on the back of my car.......and speaking of ASU this is the new subject.  (sorry this blog is so long)

So the whole ASU situation has only gotten worse - the only good thing is that I got two A's on my summer transcripts which boosted my G.P.A. to a 2.1 (which still sucks, but thats all I needed to get by).  So now I'm basically waiting until App gets my transcripts - but it seems as though no one is really being sympathetic of my situation.  I didn't make a mistake - they did, and they're never going to own up to it and fix it.  So since I'm getting next to no help, and I've been to the admissions office about 5 times, I think it's time to get my parents involved - because maybe then something will finally change for once.  We're going to make an apt. on Monday and see what happens then.

Okay third subject....I lied =).

So my love life is gone lol.  Umm....I guess I don't mind it that much, I am having a great time - but I sometimes get sad too.  Sometimes I wish I could have someone there to talk to and cuddle with.  I'm not talking about another whole "love" fiasco - but just someone I can share things with would be nice.  My friends lead pretty hectic lives, so they don't exactly have a lot of time to talk....I don't want to get involved in another dead-ended relationship.  The truth is - I'm too scared to be in love.  Hell - when I am in love i'm always too afraid I'm going to get hurt.  My last relationship didn't end that smoothly and I wish things could be different.......but people need time I guess.  Everyone reacts different to heartache.

I'm not the type of person that rebounds - I wish it was that easy, when your heart is content on someone for so long, you can't just snap your fingers and make things better.  Sometimes I wish I could, but I don't have that ability.  I'm only human.  I admit that I do like certain people but I'm not ready yet - my heart still belongs to someone else......



<3 Alicia

So I really want to know how I am trying to control someone who I don't even talk to.....


Especially considering she's always been the one to tell me who I can and can't talk to?


Hmph doesn't it seem like the other way around?

Holds my hand and I kiss her when she gets smacked in the face by a freak pool pole accident =).



Too bad she has a g/f that's a cheating prick =D!

 I'm about to go to sleep, but I figured I'd post before I do.  I have a lot on my mind....so whatever I'm just going to say it.



I really hate drama.  I'm pretty sure that everyone has drama in their lives.  I feel like I have an excessive amount all the time.  Drama causes me to stress - which I honestly don't need right now, and most of the time there is no need for the drama in the first place.


People freak over simple issues.  I hate accusers.  Before you ever accuse someone of anything you need to have your facts straight first.  I can't even guess how many times I have been accused of something I didn't do.


If someone was to accuse me of something, and I did do it - you better be fucking sure I'd be the first to tell you that I did.  I'm not a liar.  I hate liars.



Drama is worthless.  There is so much shit going on in this world, and in life in general then to fret the small things.  I have a lot of things going on in my life - and I would appreciate it if people were to be more understanding. 




I don't have the time of day to talk to someone else, or even have the time to think about someone else.  I have so many personal issues that I'm dealing with right now.  I'm not ready to deal with someone elses bullshit.  I'm already struggling with my own emotions and feelings.  I'm not ready to deal with someone elses.    


I hang out with my friends because that is my outlet.  Everyone has one.....I don't like being here.  When I am with my friends I feel whole.  I feel like I have a home in them.  I feel secure, and happy.  I don't feel that with anyone.  I can tell them everything, and they won't judge.  My friends never tell me who to be, they like me for who I am.  I'm not constantly bitched at for meaningless things.  My friends will never cheat on me,  and I'm not emotionally attached to them.  It's just so much easier.  Simplistic.



I like being single, I love the feeling.  For once I feel like I don't "need" anyone.  I can be myself, and no one can tell me what I can and cannot do.  I can freely speak to anyone I please.  No one owns me.



I haven't felt that in years. 




So can I please ask you - in dealing with all of this, do you honestly think that I would want to do it over with someone else?  No. 


Who would I honestly talk to here?!  IN HKY!?  




Get your head out of your ass, get your facts straight.  Then maybe we can have a fucking mature conversation - instead of the immaturity I'm seeing right now.  Because I'm sure saying "fuck you, you stupid slut"  is going to solve all of our issues. 





C'mon now.....   

 So I was going to go to sleep.  But then......I wanted to read the song that Becca had written me.  So I did....



The song is good.  Like really good, but....it also kind of pisses me off too.  Because I don't think she understands that most of the emotions that are running through me have nothing to do with her.  



These are 2 completley different subjects.


Death, and Becca.



This is why we can't be together.....Because right now I need someone to be HERE for me.  I need that.  Is that too much to ask for?  It's not about us being together anymore.  This isn't the right time to bring up our relationship.  Just fucking seperate the two......really.  


I can't fucking stand this.  

Survive

June 25th

I wake up, this is just another day

I wish I could tell you that I am okay

Bridge:

I strive, I've died, I'm not who I was inside

I cry, I lie, It's not the same and besides..

I hide, I've denied, and girl you know I tried

 

Chorus:

With every song I write

And with every line I speak

I'm losing this fight

I'm just too weak

With every move that I make

And every step that I stride

I'm not considering us a mistake

I'm just trying to survive

 

I wake up, and every day is a different endeavor

I wish you could see that we don't belong together

Repeat Bridge

Repeat Chorus

 

And with every death

I feel as if I myself am dead

I can't get these emotions

Out of, out of my head

Out of, out of my bed

Out of, out of my head

I'm dead

And with every death

I feel as if I myself am dead

I can't get these emotions

Out of, out of my head

Out of, out of my bed

Out of, out of my head

I'm dead

Repeat Bridge

Repeat Chorus

You don't understand

No one can fucking understand

This has nothing to do with us

Girl, we run circles over and over again

I can't - I'm sorry, I can't be your girlfriend

This has nothing to do with us

You don't understand

No one can fucking understand

 It's 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep.  I don't have my glasses, they are out in the car so I can't see what I'm typing really.  

Um..life has been slow.  I don't really know what I'm doing.  Things aren't good.  I wish people could understand that.


Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to.  I mean I have friends, ex's that are up in their current girlfriends asses, parents who just don't get it, and an ex that I feel is more consumed in herself....I don't know man.

I can't talk to anyone about this.  Everyone is in as much pain as I am.  It's making me sick....I don't sleep.  I can barely eat.  I'm worried about everything.

I don't want to lose one of my best friends.  I really don't think I can handle it....


I want a new life, one that doesn't involve heartache.  I can't stand to see another person die.  I can't stand to see another person leave me.  I trust no one.  I love no one, because I'm afraid if I open up I will lose them.  I can't afford it.  I can't take risks anymore.

My only friends are the bottles I drink from, and the smoke I inhale.  


I can no longer handle the arguments..life is too short to argue.  Pointless, meaningless arguments.  I need to be alone.  I don't want to say I love you....anymore.  I can't.....


The funeral is Thursday.



...<3     

 I never post.  Tonight I will.


Why do bad things always happen to good people?


That's really the only question thats needs to be answered.  Okay..so maybe one more.


Everything seems to be falling apart.  Relationships.  Lives....people torn apart at the seams.  


The other night I was at this concert that goes on downtown for all the Fridays in Summer.  A lot of kids like to come down there (because hell there is nothing to do in this state.)  But anyway......this guy who obviously thought he was God's-given-gift decided to hand out pamphlets about church.  This would have been perfectly fine, but considering he also had to put in his 2 cents worth....it needless to say caused a huge commotion.  What it all comes down to is he made a comment he really shouldn't have.  Hint:  "If you're gay you're going to hell."  I chose not be involved in the incident because everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  The thing is.....I wasn't really upset about this comment....because I had a thought.

Who is to say that we aren't in Hell right now?  


I'm sure that he has done some wrong  in his life.  I'm sure he has sinned.  He isn't God.  


But who is to say there is a God?


I don't know.....